Family Matters Part 2
Keys to a Great Marriage
Ephesians 5:22-33
11/09/2011
Introduction
1) What does a great marriage look like to you?
a) for some people, this is a painful topic and it will be tempting to protect your heart by tuning out early…
b) a few people may feel that their marriage is pretty good and may not feel they have much to learn today. These are the kind of people who hope that others are listening!
c) whatever condition your heart is in, I want to pray for us all right now.
OPENING PRAYER
Lord, you know where each of us is at right now. You know our needs. You know our understandings. You know our attitudes. You know our feelings. You know what is going on in our lives and in our homes. You know how you want to grow us through the cleansing and feeding of your word. We invite you to do your work in us now.
2) Do you know any perfect marriages? The Bible describes only 1!
a) It’s not Adam and Eve – they were innocent but not perfect
1) The first marriage – pure & wonderful
2) While they did not have the understanding to consciously choose sin, both Adam and Eve failed each other and disobeyed God in the story of Genesis 3.
3) So if Adam & Eve could not maintain a perfect marriage even before their natures were corrupted by sin, what hope is there for us?
4) Actually there is great hope, because of the gospel.
b) The only perfect marriage that will ever exist is the marriage between Christ and His Church (after its glorification)
1) The last marriage (Matt 22:30)
2) It is eternal.
3) It is cleansed completely from sin (Eph 5:25-27)
4) It teaches us about how to strive for perfection in marriage so that while not being perfect, they can be great.
3) The question we are looking at today is: how do we move our marriages toward being great? How do we protect our marriages from the ravages of sinful attitudes and behaviours that destroy relationships?
What does Ephesians 5:22-33 teach us about how to have a great marriage?
1) Lessons from the Context:
a) Paul doesn’t begin his letter by talking about marriage!
If we just dive in to the letter half-way through to try and pick out some marriage principles, we’re going to miss out on all the necessary background information. We’re not going to properly understand what he’s saying.
If we just dive in to the letter half-way through to try and pick out some marriage principles, we’re going to miss out on all the necessary background information. We’re not going to properly understand what he’s saying.
b) The letter begins with what God has done for us.
1) Ephesians 1 - 2:10: What God has done through Jesus to reconcile us to Himself
- Key verses: Eph 2:8-10
2) Ephesians 2:11-22: What God has done through Jesus to reconcile us to each other
- Key verse: Eph 2:14
3) Ephesians 3: Paul’s ministry as an Apostle in sharing the good news & his prayer that the Ephesians will really ‘get it’.
- Key verses: Eph 3:14-21
c) Then he starts describing how we should live in response:
Ephesians ch’s 4-6: In view of who God is and what He has done for you, this is how you should live.
- Key Verses: Eph 4:22-24; Eph 5:1-2
Why is it important to go over the context?
d) The Big Idea: A Great Marriage is One that Expresses the Gospel Message.
As the Holy Spirit has inspired him, Paul has explained the gospel and now he is demonstrating how the gospel changes everything. It even changes our marriages!
Just as the gospel shows how we are saved from sin as individuals and made new in Christ, it also shows us how our marriages are redeemed in Christ and made new.
e) Key #1: I Need to Change to become like Jesus
- I am full of selfish desires
- I have foolish ideas about how things should work.
- I bear resentments
- I am afraid of being hurt
- I have strongly ingrained bad habits
- I tend to blame others
A great marriage for me is only possible if I change.
Often people get very hostile when you suggest they need to change. They don’t think it’s fair - it’s as if you’re putting the blame on them for the fact that things aren’t as they should be.
That’s why starting at Ephesians 1 is important - it reminds us that we are all sinful, God has graciously saved us and now we must learn day by day to live out that salvation. None of us are there yet.
For the Christian, the reason you need to change is not just so that your marriage will work better. You need to change so that your life glorifies God. You need to change so that others have the chance to see the truth of the gospel and be saved. You need to change so that you can be sure of your own salvation (see 2 Cor. 13:5&6 &1 John 1 - 4 for examples).
That’s why starting at Ephesians 1 is important - it reminds us that we are all sinful, God has graciously saved us and now we must learn day by day to live out that salvation. None of us are there yet.
For the Christian, the reason you need to change is not just so that your marriage will work better. You need to change so that your life glorifies God. You need to change so that others have the chance to see the truth of the gospel and be saved. You need to change so that you can be sure of your own salvation (see 2 Cor. 13:5&6 &1 John 1 - 4 for examples).
Regardless of what the dynamics of your relationships are, there is never a completely innocent party. We are all sinful. You need to change in ways that only God can produce in you.
Well, how is it that we need to change? How does Paul instruct husbands and wives specifically in this passage? How is a husband or a wife to become more like Christ?
2) Submit to one another…
a) Ephesians 5:22 - “Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord”
The problem with starting in verse 22 is that it in the original letter that Paul wrote, it doesn’t actually tell you anything. Most modern bibles add in the words “submit” or “be subject to” to help the verse make sense when read on it’s own, but that can actually make us forget what’s just been said in verse 21.
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord.”
b) Key #2: Submission is for Everyone
1) Submission – hupotasso
Military Term – to be ordered under the authority of another. To be subject to another.
Authority says nothing about worth. It says nothing about ability.
The captain of a sporting team is often not the best player on the team. They are certainly not the only valuable person on the team. Often their best contribution is in how well they use their authority. If they use it selfishly or foolishly, the whole team suffers. If they use it wisely for the benefit and success of the team, the whole team prospers.
Military Term – to be ordered under the authority of another. To be subject to another.
Authority says nothing about worth. It says nothing about ability.
The captain of a sporting team is often not the best player on the team. They are certainly not the only valuable person on the team. Often their best contribution is in how well they use their authority. If they use it selfishly or foolishly, the whole team suffers. If they use it wisely for the benefit and success of the team, the whole team prospers.
2) How is it possible that everyone submits? Surely some are in charge and the others all submit?
3) Marty Foord yesterday at the Perth Men’s Convention (excellent by the way!)
- Policeman & Judge
On the road, a judge must submit to a policeman.
In the courtroom a policeman must submit to a judge.
Both of them derive their authority from the law.
On the road, a judge must submit to a policeman.
In the courtroom a policeman must submit to a judge.
Both of them derive their authority from the law.
- In a similar way, in different situations we can be either in a position of having authority or being under authority. We need to remember that our true authority does not come from ourselves but from God and His revealed will.
4) As Paul describes how we can “be imitators of God”, he says that one way we do that is by choosing to submit ourselves to authority. God Himself does that!
5) Philippians 2:5-8 – Jesus became obedient unto death.
The words of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: “Yet not my will…”
The words of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane: “Yet not my will…”
6) Choosing to submit ourselves to authority is a basic biblical requirement of all believers. It’s an essential way that we show people what God is like. It’s an essential way that we learn to stop striving ourselves and start trusting God. It’s an essential way that we demonstrate God’s cleansing of our natural rebelliousness and pride.
7) Remember that Jesus is the complete revelation of who the Father is as well, so the attitude of submission is something that exists in God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He wants it to exist in us as well. All of us. Submission is for everyone.
8) Now Paul turns his attention to the husband and wife relationship.
3) Key #3: Marriage can only express the gospel when wives submit to their husbands.
a) Ephesians 5:22 – “Wives [submit] to your own husbands (not to all men, to your own husbands) as to the Lord.
b) The Historical Context:
Women were second-class citizens. Property. Without rights. Men had all the authority, all the power. They were free to neglect, to abuse, to disrespect.
Jewish men thanked God that they were not created female.
In Greek society wives were generally considered useful to provide men with legitimate offspring and to manage their households. Men were encouraged to go elsewhere for conversation, companionship and sexual pleasure.
Women were completely under the thumb – they had no option but to submit. Some people believe that with this in mind, wives are being instructed here not to submit – that was a given – they are being told to submit as to the Lord. It’s the attitude or manner of their submission that is being taught here.
That’s actually not the case.
Let me illustrate that by referring to a popular saying from around that time.
In the writings of Greek schoolchildren was found a common phrase:
“A man who teaches a woman to write should know that he is providing poison to an asp.”
Wives in Ephesus were not allowed an education. They were not permitted in public forums and certainly not permitted to speak in public. In fact the only women allowed at such gatherings were the very high class prostitutes known as “Hetaera”. These were companions only afforded by the very wealthy, who were often educated in order to make them more stimulating company.
However women were permitted in the Church. They were encouraged to participate. Not only that, husbands, instead of being encouraged to shun their wives, were expected to help their wives learn the truths of the faith.
So the Church did not conform to culture, it was shaped by the teachings and life of Christ witnessed by and entrusted to the Apostles.
Wives were expected to submit to their husbands not because of culture, but because of God’s divine plan for marriage as a picture of the gospel.
How do we know?
c) Ephesians 5:23-24
1) It’s pretty obvious here. The husband-wife relationship is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church.
2) In their submission to their husbands, wives teach their husbands how to submit to Christ! In their submission to their husbands, wives teach their children how to submit to Christ.
How can we expect our kids to learn submission if they don’t see it from us? Yes, they will see us submit to other rulers and authorities, but in the home they get to see it up close and personal. They get to hear it explained and see it demonstrated.
One of the things that exasperates children is that they are expected to adhere to rules that their parents do not. The best way to raise obedient children is to show them what obedience looks like.
3) How many of you are really squirming as I say that? The idea that a wife should obey a husband – that’s not in the vows anymore!! You’re wondering if I’m a traditionalist, chauvinistic pig!
If you watch any sitcom or TV ad you will find that men are all idiots who need to be told what to do either by their wives or their children. What I’ve just said is the complete opposite of that. It’s offensive to our culture!
Here’s the thing – just as the general culture of the people in Ephesus would have been outraged that these Christians honoured and included wives, our culture is outraged that wives should be considered to be under authority of a husband.
Just as the Ephesian Christians needed to be brave enough to challenge their own cultural values, we need to be brave enough to challenge ours to bring them into line with the word of God.
The stakes are high.
But it’s not just on the issue of submission that we need to be challenged. It’s also on the issue of headship – the right use of authority.
4) Key #4: Marriage can only express the gospel when husbands love their wives.
a) Ephesians 5:25-31
b) The Historical Context:
The idea that a man would cherish his wife the way Christ cherishes the Church was unheard of.
The idea that a man would sacrifice himself for the sake of His wife was unthinkable.
They needed to learn that a wife is not the possession of a husband - a wife is part of her husband. A wife completes her husband. She brings to him what he cannot do and what he cannot be by himself. We are different by God’s design.
Some men and some women have been specifically designed by God to be complete in their singleness in order to do the good works He planned in advance for them to do.
For most of us, God’s plan is that we are joined as one man with one woman in order to become one flesh together.
So how you treat your wife is how you treat yourself.
Think about that!
Imagine that you are about to start hammering a nail into a piece of wood. How many of you would look the other way or read a book while doing that? Not many! Why? Because you don’t want to smash your thumb!
In the same way, in what you do with your wife you need to pay attention and give thought as to how you are protecting her from harm, right? Don’t be distracted or inattentive – pay attention!
Now imagine that you have a pain somewhere in your body – what do you do? Do you beat up on it and tell it to get it’s act together? Do you just ignore it?
Of course not, you do whatever you need to help it get better.
If your wife is registering pain – if there’s hostility, emotional distance, lack of respect toward you, if she’s easily upset or whatever – what should you do?
I’ve seen a lot of guys get frustrated, react in anger, detach themselves emotionally, lecture – none of that fits with what the Bible teaches here. None of it fits with the example of Jesus.
How many of you would willingly starve your own body? I wouldn’t! Yet how many of us starve our wives for attention, for affection, for affirmation and all the other things that she ought to receive from us?
There’s a challenge here men.
Don’t use your authority to get your own way. Love your wives as you love yourself. Let Christ be your example.
c) The Gospel
Husbands, you teach your wives about the love of Christ in the way that you love them. You teach your kids about the love of Christ in the way you love their Mum as well as in the way you love them. You teach those who observe your marriage about the love of Christ.
You could use your physical power to frighten and abuse. You could use it simply to show who’s number 1 in your house – to keep your ego propped up.
But as you use your strength and your authority to serve in love, not because you have to but because you choose to, that’s showing something of the gospel.
Christ used his divine authority, purity and power to wash us from sin and present us as a perfect bride. You cannot save your wives or children, only Christ can. But you can be a picture of what He is like.
d) The Washing of the Word
I want you to notice something in verse 26 as God speaks to husbands about their role. It says that Jesus purified His bride through “the washing with water through the word.”
I was curious about why it didn’t talk about His sacrificial death, His shed blood which cleanses us from sin. Why the washing with water through the word.
Washing with water was part of ritual purification ceremonies – including in how a bride was prepared for her wedding day.
People were familiar with the idea of needing to be cleansed, and washing with water symbolised that spiritually as well as achieving it physically.
But Jesus cleanses us by washing through “the word”. That is, it is through the gospel of salvation that we hear, believe and are saved.
I believe that God is giving a challenge here to husbands and fathers to in the same way cleanse their families by leading them in the study of God’s Word.
Only God can produce salvation in a person, but are we playing our part by making sure they hear the word?
Men, are you showing your family that you love the word? Are you teaching them the word? Are you modelling obedience to the word? Are you defending the gospel from the attacks of our culture which really come from the deceiver Satan?
If it’s how Christ purifies His church, shouldn’t it be how you purify your family? Don’t leave it to someone else, you’ve been given a job to do.
5) Conclusion
a) We’ve covered some vital principles about marriage today, which are really just the starting point of a much longer journey. You will never come to the end of finding ways for your marriage to express the gospel. You will never come to the end of finding ways that you can show the character of God in how you play your role as husband, wife or child.
We’ve covered off just the two mentioned specifically here, which are summed up in our final verse:
Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I hope our study today has helped you to understand these principles and that with God’s help you will allow them to transform your marriage to make it great. These principles seem foolish and offensive to our way of thinking, just like the message of the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing, yet to those who are being saved it is the power of God (1 Cor. 1:18). Let your marriage be an expression of the gospel.
b) There are many more specific biblical principles which you may need to hear about in order to address some of the things that you are facing in your marriage right now.
If there are issues that you are wrestling with can I encourage you to make sure you let me know so that we can pray and study God’s word together? Please don’t give up on God’s good plan for your marriage. He wants to use it for His Glory and your good.
If you’re struggling with anything I’ve said today make sure you test it against God’s Word. I’ll be happy to follow through with you to explore it further.
