Having established the unique power of speaking the truth in love in helping people grow into maturity in Christ, we now turn our attention to the process of speaking truth in love. ; We want to make sure that we are doing it well so that it builds up rather than tearing down, so we need to pay attention to the Bible's instructions for us.
Growing Together in Christ pt 2
The Process of Truth Spoken in Love
Matthew 18:15-20; Matthew 7:1-6; Mark 8:31-33
8/05/2011
Introduction – The Power of Speaking the Truth in Love
Last week we discovered that speaking the truth in love is powerful and effective in helping us to:
- Glorify Jesus as we put pleasing Him above pleasing others
- Be freed from the destruction of sin in our lives and in our church
- Each grow up into maturity in Christ as our lives are transformed by His truth.
- Witness more truly to those around us for the salvation of all who believe.
Sadly for the Church, Satan has succeeded in preventing most of us from exercising this important ministry.
We don’t want to:
- Be like those terrible people who are ungracious, self-righteous and judgemental – and we don’t want people to think that’s what we’re like even if we’re not.
- Cause offense and ruin relationships
- Start fights
- Turn people away
We need a process for speaking the truth in love and for hearing truth spoken in love so that we receive it’s blessings and avoid the pitfalls.
The process for speaking truth in love is contained in Matthew 18:15-20. It’s a passage which provides for us an extremely valuable framework for dealing with issues of sin. Remember that speaking truth in love also applies to speaking up about good things that we see in each other – let’s make sure we are doing that all the time! Read Philippians 4:8 and put it into practice in the way you speak. However it’s dealing with the bad things that we tend to have the most trouble with and what we will explore today.
Stage 1 – Speaking Truth One to One
Matthew 18:15
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
This verse raises a number of issues: first, it says “if your brother” – who is in mind here?
Well Jesus is talking to His disciples on this occasion. They are a group of Jewish men. A group of Jewish men who sometimes quarrelled with each other about silly things like status and position. In their minds the word “brother” could refer to any other Jewish man, but particularly to one another.
With all other Jews they shared a foundation of ethnic and cultural identity, but more importantly they shared the ethical foundation of God’s laws. They shared an understanding of what was right and what was wrong.
With each other as followers of Jesus they had the additional bond of Jesus’ own teaching. Jesus brought them a whole new understanding of God and His ways which made sense of the law.
Before going through this process of speaking truth in love, we need to recognise who this process applies to.
In our situation, it applies to how we deal with fellow believers – our brothers and sisters in Christ. Many of the principles apply to our relationships with unbelievers as well, but we need to remember that there is a difference. There is not the shared foundation of what is right and what is wrong. There is not the shared desire to please Jesus. There is not the shared Spirit who lives within God’s people, convicting us of truth and helping us to see and overcome our sin.
So today we’re dealing with speaking and hearing the truth in love in the context of the church. By all means apply many of these principles in other relationships but be aware of the differences. I’d be very happy to discuss in more detail how these principles apply and which other biblical principles apply to those situations with you personally.
Let’s keep going in verse 15…
“If your brother sins against you
What is sin? It’s anything that falls short of the glory of God. It’s anything that does not reflect His perfect goodness.
Are we going to treat each other in ways that fall short of God’s goodness?
You bet we are!
This process we’re looking at today is not something we keep locked away in case we ever need to use it – it’s something that we need to use all the time!
Do you ever neglect to include someone in a conversation – not noticing that they feel on the outer?
Do you ever say things that are unkind about someone else?
Do you fail to turn up to something that you were supposed to be helping out with?
Do you not stop to consider how your actions or words are affecting others?
Of course – and that’s just some of the thousands of sins we commit against one another!!
And as we spoke about last week, the way for us to grow out of these things and grow into maturity in Christ is if we hear the truth when we do them so that we can train ourselves out of them.
So we all sin, but does this process only apply when someone sins against us personally?
The short answer to that is “No”. There are a number of reasons for that, but the simplest is found in Galatians 6:1 which says:
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.
In other words, if we catch someone out in sin – whether it’s a sin against us or not - we need to restore that person as long as we have the spiritual maturity to do so. If we don’t, then we need to seek help from someone who does, which is stage 2 of our process.
Matthew 18:15 tells us:
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.”
Why just between the two of you? Firstly it keeps sin small. Sin spreads so easily and does so much damage. Sweeping under the carpet is never the answer – although many churches have tried it. All that does is allow sin to spread under the radar where it continues to do damage and is never properly dealt with.
No, sin must be dealt with but it’s better to deal with it promptly and with as few people involved as possible. Rejoice and share the good news once it has been dealt with, but don’t let it spread.
Secondly, if we love each other we will want to make each other known for good things, not for bad things. We will want our brothers and sisters to be honoured for the way God has changed their lives, not embarrassed by the residue of sins not yet overcome. Romans 12:10 tells us to “Honor one another above yourselves.” That needs to be true all the time, even when we stumble.
Thirdly, dealing with the matter quietly builds mutual respect and trust. The person knows that you are not out to get them and make them look bad in front of others, but that you genuinely care for them and want what honours God and what’s best for them. It gives them permission to share truth with you when you need it also.
Who should do this? – that’s a key question!
Galatians 6:1 emphasised the requirement for spiritual maturity. It is not always appropriate for a person to go and speak to another person one to one about sin issues.
Let me give you an obvious example.
If you are a parent, you should be teaching these principles to your kids as part of their training.
Let’s say one of your kids is doing something they shouldn’t. One of their siblings witnesses this or is on the receiving end of it – do you want them to come and dob to you about what the other child is doing? Sometimes, but not usually. We teach our kids to use their words with each other. Don’t get into a fight, speak the truth in love. If they work it out, all’s good. If they don’t, they move to stage two which is to get a parent involved.
But if one of my child has an issue with an adult, I do not want them trying to work it out one to one without any consultation with a parent. It’s not appropriate. It may not be respectful, but it’s also not an even discussion. There’s an imbalance of power. Remember Jesus was talking to a group of men who would become leaders in His church. They would pass this teaching onto others, but we need to recognise that not everyone is in the same situation.
If one of my kids feels sinned against by an adult or sees an adult do something wrong, they need to come see Carolyn or myself to work out what to do about it.
In a similar way, a couple of days ago I heard about a situation where a vulnerable person was sinned against by a church leader. It really upset her and was possibly a key reason that she left the church soon after.
She needed someone to help her deal with that situation well.
So as we explore how to deal with the situation one-to-one I want you to keep in mind that sometimes we need to involve a spiritually mature person to help us go through this process; and to decide with us whether it’s appropriate to speak one-to-one or whether we need to have them along with us or even to go for us.
What are we doing when we go speak to the person? We’re going to show him his fault!
That’s easy to do right?
It’s easy to talk about other’s faults. It’s not so easy to talk to others about their faults.
How do we do it?
1. Prepare Yourself
a) Should I even be addressing this?
Matthew 7:1-2
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Johari Window – you want to see things the way God does. You want to be speaking real truth, not just your own judgemental opinions. Could it be that what you are seeing in the other person is just a difference of personality or culture? Is it just a reflection of how God made them?
All of us have strengths and weaknesses. At what point do our weaknesses become sins that need to be dealt with?
Matthew 7:2 says the way we measure that for others is how it will be measured for us.
Do you want to be part of a church where every week someone is coming up to you to tell you what you’re doing wrong? I don’t!
But do I need to hear that sometimes – of course I do!
So should we go talk to people any time we feel offended by them or hurt by them? Apparently not…
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Instead of trying to change other people so that they don’t bug us, we are to…
Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
So if we don’t measure sin according to how we feel about a person’s conduct, how do we measure it? How do we know what we should speak to people about and what we shouldn’t?
2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
The bible contains the truth from God that we all need to know in order to be transformed to be like Him. Notice here again how the goal of using Scripture is not to make other people easier to get along with or less offensive to you – it’s to equip them to do good works which are pleasing to God.
When we go to someone to point out a fault, we do it not so that person won’t hurt us or bug us anymore or wreck what we’re trying to do. In most situations our love for them can cover over the offence of their sin. We do it because we love them and want them to grow. We do it because we love Jesus and we want His church to be pure. We do it because we love those who need the Church to shine brightly as a witness to Christ.
If the Bible speaks clearly to the situation and our love for the person compels us to speak, then the answer to the question of whether we should address this is “yes”.
b) Am I ready to address this?
Matthew 7:3-5
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
If you’re not first hearing from God, you’ve got no business speaking to others.
It doesn’t matter how many people agree with you – it’s what God thinks that matters. (My Bible College experience).
If you haven’t given God the time to address the sin in your own life, how dare you think that through you God can address sin in the life of someone else?
Far more likely is the possibility that in speaking to them about their supposed sin, you will in fact be sinning against them.
c) Is our relationship ready to address this?
First of all, is there a bond of faith in Christ?
Matthew 7:6
6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.
Jesus again uses a ridiculous picture – like the log in the eye – to get a point across. We don’t give precious things to dogs or pigs. In a similar way it’s not fitting to try and apply God’s precious truths to people who do not acknowledge His lordship. It’s against their nature to submit to God’s ways, and trying to make them do it is only likely to stir them up to an angry response.
So if you’re dealing with an unbeliever, don’t expect them to value the same things you do. Don’t expect them to want to do something just because God says to. That will just frustrate them. You’ll need to find other areas of common ground to work on.
But even within the church, we need to be aware of what our relationships can handle in terms of sharing truth with one another.
Mark 8:31-33
31 He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. 32 He spoke plainly about this, and Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him.
33 But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. “Get behind me, Satan!” he said. “You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.”
The relationship Jesus had with Peter could sustain some pretty brutal honesty! Jesus knew Peter well enough to know what Peter needed. Peter knew Jesus well enough to be secure in Jesus’ love and concern for him, regardless of being told off rather soundly!
I recently heard relationships described as being like a bridge. The stronger the bridge is the more it can carry. The stronger a relationship is the more truth it can handle.
If you have built up a good level of trust with someone, you can share some pretty confronting truths with them knowing that they will trust you enough to listen. They already know that you love them and want the best for them.
2. Do it!
Well there are 4 stages to this process of dealing with sin by speaking the truth in love. We’re halfway through the first stage right now!
We’ve looked last week at the reason why we need to do this, and this week we’ve focussed on preparing ourselves to do it.
Now we’re ready to actually go and speak to the person about the sin issue.
I’m going to provide you with some resources very soon that will give you some very helpful principles and advice for how to have that discussion.
I want to remind you that this is meant to be a normal part of the Christian life. Stage 1 of the process of dealing with sin in the church is something that is always going to be going on, because none of us is yet perfect.
So I want to encourage you this week to be a person who prepares well to speak the truth in love. I will provide you with some resources soon that I hope will help you actually go and do it, and down the track a bit I hope to teach through the rest of the process so we can see how to respond if someone refuses to accept the truth that is spoken in love. As always I’d love to chat to you about your specific situation if that would be helpful.
